Life Coaching Tip: Stay Ignorant!!!

Sometimes, Ignorance is Bliss...


I heard a really interesting story the other day that you may find some value in when it comes to your personal development, attaining goals, and living life.


There was a man once who really wanted something in life. Driving down a country lane to get there, he accidentally took his eye off of the road and drove straight into the ditch. Fortunately, a local farmer was passed by thirty minutes later with a horse.

"Could your horse pull my car out of the ditch?" asked the driver.  

"Buddy's a Clydesdale," said the farmer, "let's see what he can do for you."  

The farmer hitched Buddy to the car and said: "Pull, Blackie, Pull!" Buddy didn't move an inch. 

Then the farmer said, "Pull, Sampson, Pull!" Buddy still didn't move an inch.

The farmer said again, "Pull, Jackson, Pull!" And still, Buddy didn't move an inch.

Then the farmer yelled, "PULL, BUDDY, PULL!!" And Buddy pulled the car effortlessly out of the ditch.

The grateful driver was confused.  "Let me ask you a question," he said, "why did you keep calling Buddy by the wrong name?" 

"Well," said the farmer, "you see, Buddy is blind. And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

When I sit down with people in a life or executive coaching session and we define a compelling future for them, one of the first thing that shows up is their desire to know exactly what to do in order to reach the goal. 


However, if someone really knew all of the problems, challenges, and emotional stress they were going to have to go through to achieve their goals...many would never even start!  If someone really knew, in advance, all of the challenges they would have to face to run their first marathon, get that next job, or find that dream spouse, they would be so overwhelmed they would probably never start. 


So, sometimes not knowing all of the obstacles and challenges that are going to happen in the pursuit of a goal makes the term, "ignorance is bliss" true.  Successful goal achievement comes from taking on the challenges one day at a time, asking for help when you get off track, and engaging faith to access your untapped potential in the face of adversity. And no matter what, keep pulling even when you can't see!  

The A.N.T.S Go Marching....

Our thoughts are just like ANTS. Those Automatic Negative ThoughtS (A.N.T.S.) are constantly on the move looking for something sweet to feed on. A person's brain is always thinking and creating new thoughts and beliefs, even while we sleep. 

Learning to direct our thoughts to those healthy food sources will lead to a more productive, fruitful, and positive mindset. Listen to my latest podcast to learn how to deal with the ANTS that may be invading your personal life!

http://evolutionforsuccess.podomatic.com/player/web/2011-06-13T21_40_43-07_00


Enjoy!

Are Ants invading your personal space???

Our thoughts are just like ANTS. Those Automatic Negative ThoughtS (A.N.T.S.) are constantly on the move looking for something sweet to feed on. A person's brain is always thinking and creating new thoughts and beliefs, even while we sleep.

 

Learning to direct our thoughts to those healthy food sources will lead to a more productive, fruitful, and positive mindset. Listen now to my latest podcast to learn how to deal with the ANTS that may be invading your personal space!

Until next time,

James

Is your child or teen acting out? Let's talk about the 4 goals of misbehavior

You have seen them... the child screaming for attention in the store, the one that plays helpless, the one that talks back and "hates" his parents,  and the one who always get his or her way and rules the roost. What do they all have in common?  They are working to get love and connection from their parents.  No, it's not a typo; it might not make sense logically, but emotionally, it does.

All children, whether they are toddlers or high schoolers, have 2 primary needs: to be loved unconditionally and to belong.  If they feel discouraged and perceive they cannot belong in a useful way, they start acting up.  They actually want 1 of 4 things: they either want to get attention, power, revenge, or display inadequacy.

Let's look at these "goals of misbehavior", and what might be an effective strategy to coach your child toward more positive behavior.

GOAL # 1: Attention

All kids need attention and a large part of parenting is to give our kids attention.  But when your child mistakenly believes that the only way to belong is to have your attention --and will misbehave to get it-- it becomes problematic.  

You know when your child is misbehaving in an effort to get your attention if your reaction is to get annoyed or bothered.  Your natural response will be to coax, remind, nag or criticize.  Your child will usually respond by stopping the behavior temporarily and then starting it up again later for more attention. 

   Examples: 

• Actively seeking attention:  You are visiting with a friend when your 9 yr old daughter asks you to watch her do a cartwheel on the lawn.  You oblige happily, remark on her progress and go back to your discussion.  But a minute later, you're showered with another wave of "watch me Daddy, watch me!", quickly followed by "Watch me again!" and again, and again...  Her bid for attention might escalate until she falls and receives your complete attention.  With a teenager, you might find that your son does something that annoys you.  After you step in to correct the behavior, he may stop but before long, he moves on to another annoying behavior.
• Passively seeking attention:  Instead, your son might do nothing and simply expect to be waited on. 

   Solution: Encourage your child to join in  and be part of things in a positive way.  Ignore your child's obvious bid for attention and instead focus and draw attention to something else entirely.  At a different time, offer positive attention when he or she isn't trying to get it.  Catch him or her being good.

GOAL #2: Power

Part of growing more independent is to feel more in control. In and of itself, power is a positive goal.  It only becomes a problem if, as with attention, your child feels that the only way to connect is by having the power.  In the case of teens, it's a very common goal of course since they are often very focused on gaining autonomy.

Your clue to the fact that your child is trying to show power is that you will tend to respond by feeling angry or threatened. You might try to make him obey or you might give in. If you choose to fight and make him do what you want, he will fight back.  If you choose to give in, he'll stop acting out since he won and got what he wanted.  

   Examples: 

• Actively seeking power:  Your child may deliberately break your rules like going biking without a helmet, choosing friends he knows you are uncomfortable with, or refusing to come home when you ask.  
• Passively seeking power:  Sometimes, your child will comply with your request but do it slowly or sloppily hence communicating that although you can make him do what you want him to do, he can control how he does it. 

   Solution: Look for ways to give your child more choices.  Encourage your child to gain independence and be responsible.  Don't fight or give in, let consequences simply happen. 

GOAL #3: Revenge

If your child loses a power struggle and feels hurt, he may decide to get revenge. 

As a parent, you might feel shocked, hurt and angry.  You might react by trying to get even and in return, your child will try to get more revenge, continuing the cycle with no end in sight.

   Examples: 

• Actively seeking revenge:  Your child might say or do something hurtful. Teens might take risks with the whole goal of shocking or worrying you. 
• Passively seeking revenge:  Your child may choose to glare at you angrily. 

   Solution: Refuse to take things personally.  Refuse to get even. Don't enter in a cycle of escalating revenge. Focus on building trust and respect when everyone is calm.

GOAL #4: Display of inadequacy

Sometimes a child will try to connect with his parents by acting helpless in a particular area.  He or she perceives that the only way they will connect with you is by convincing you they are helpless. 

When your child's goals is truly to display inadequacy (as opposed to a plight to get your attention which will elicit an annoyed emotional response), he just wants to be excused from the task.  He wants you to stop expecting anything from him.  You are likely to feel like giving up too.  Although you may not voice it out loud, you might in fact think that your child is helpless in that area.  You might give up and do nothing.  If you do give up and agree to expect nothing from your child, his goal has been met but at a very high price.  

   Example:

• Your child may try to convince you he can't figure out homework, do a good job at their chores, or make friends. 

   Solution: Because a child who gives up is very discouraged, focus on progress and encourage any effort. Don't pity them and don't give up.  

Take a minute to determine what your child's misbehavior payoff is and change the way you react. You can help your child develop more positive beliefs and strategies about getting your love and connection.

To learn more about identifying and responding to your kids' behavior, pick up the book "STEP Parenting: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting" by Dinkmeyer. It is an extremely valuable resource and can make a huge difference.  Or call me! 

To your continued success,

James

Take Control of Your Life

My daughter was telling me that other day that it seemed an eternity going from 6 to 7 years old. For me on the other hand, the older I get the faster time flies by. As things move faster and faster in life, finding a balance between work, health, finances and career becomes harder and harder. It is easy to start feeling powerless and out of control.

It is easy to blame feeling out of control on the events and circumstances of life; the boss is too demanding and does not care, the kids’ activities after school are just too much, or stress from your relationship causes you to overeat and drink.  

There are always two ways to take back control of your life. 

The first is to shift your procedures and take control by changing the events and circumstances of life. A person can change jobs to get a new boss, sign the kids up for one less extracurricular activity next season, or join Weight Watchers and start counting points. These procedural changes we all know how to do, but still have a hard time implementing. Most people know what to do, they just don’t do it. 

Your second option?  Change your perception. “Changing perception” involves changing the way a person thinks.  All learning, change, and behavioral shifts happen at the unconscious level. 

Asking yourself better questions and adopting a different identity will help change your own perceptions of who you are and what you believe. The above examples of being stressed presuppose an identity that a person who can’t handle the stressors of life.  If they wanted to, one could choose to adopt different beliefs, such as, “The more energy I put out, the stronger I become”, “The busier I am, the more organized and the more efficient I become”,  “I thrive on life’s challenges: the faster life goes, the more momentum I have”, or “It is good to have a full life of opportunity.”

Implementing new procedures can change your life, and many times, that is precisely what is needed.  But sometimes, the solution lies in changing your perceptions of your identity and adopting a different internal beliefs system.  Those new beliefs are what will allow you to take control of your life!  

What is a more empowering identity and belief that you can adopt? Are there some areas of your life where you need to change your procedures?  Are there some areas of your life where you need to shift your perceptions? 

I look forward to hearing your response and comments! 

To your continued success,

Do You Need to Stretch?

The Boring Life of an Office Supply 

If you are like me, you may be scared to open the desk drawer that holds all of your office supplies. All of those jumbled up rubber bands, paperclips, staples, thumb tacks, and the pad of sticky notes that has become torn apart and has desk lint stuck to the back. If you were one of these poor mixed up office supplies, what a boring life you would lead. They just sit there all day in a jumbled up mess, ignored and waiting to be used. 

Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt all jumbled up and confused? Have you felt bored, ignored by others and waiting for something to happen? Have you felt you were living but not really fulfilling your life’s purpose?

There is a solution. Rubber bands need to be stretched in order to hold things together that would otherwise fall apart. Paperclips need tension put on them to hold important papers together that have innovative thoughts, stories and ideas on them. Staples need to separate from the group and be bent in new ways to link thoughts and ideas together long term. Thumb tacks need to be focused and pushed into a specific area to keep things in the line of sight and visible to others. The sticky notes need to be written on with ideas, moments of brilliance and reminders of what is important in life. 

Office supplies take on an exciting life when they are used for their intended purpose. The only thing keeping office supplies from having a life of meaning and fulfillment is that they are dependent on others to use them. 

Thank goodness that we, as humans, are not dependent on others in order to be stretched and used for a purpose! What a gift it is to be able to choose the purpose of our life and how we stretch, put tension on ourselves, and use the gifts we inherently have! 

It is up to you to choose a meaning and purpose for your life today. Let that purpose guide you to make a difference by uniting people or ideas together for a common cause.  Put some tension on yourself, separate from the pack, bend yourself and stretch in a new way, and write down your important thoughts and ideas for later reference. Take action to get yourself out of the drawer and do what you were meant to do. Be free from living the Boring Life of an Office Supply. 

To your continued Success,

James

919.792.0085 

www.evolutionforsuccess.com 

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Are You Taking The Path of Least Resistance?

The Downward Rush of the Stream…

Some things in life are inevitable. Every year the seasons rotate through Winter, Summer, Spring, and Fall. Nature is full of examples of the inevitable. Water always tends to flow downstream, taking the path of least resistance until it reaches the sea. It is easy to forget that every thought and action has natural consequences that are also inevitable.

Many actions in life become habits that tend to follow the path of least resistance. I read an interesting statistic by Steve Shapiro on New Year Resolutions that stated “Less than 15% of those over 50 achieve their resolutions every year or every other year, while 39% of those in their twenties achieve their resolutions every year or every other year.”

As a parent and “responsible adult” sometimes the path of least resistance becomes a place of comfort. Being in the comfort zone can provide stability, but it can also keep you from enjoying life to the fullest. 

If you think, “I can’t do what a 20-year old can do because I have kids, a job, and too many responsibilities” Think again! 

My wife has some friends who, a few years ago, packed up everything and travelled around the world for an entire year (21 countries in all). At the time, their children were in 5th and 6th grade! It was a risk, but ultimately they chose to achieve one of their life goals sooner rather than later. It paid off in many different levels. Not only did they enjoy an incredible life experience, but they created a stunning book along the way and donated all the profits to charitable children’s causes. 

While some things in life are inevitable, ask yourself, “Am I going to go with the flow or do something to experience all life has to offer?”  

Challenge your limiting beliefs

If a tree falls in the woods…

You have heard the question “If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound?”.  Well, I have another question for you: “If you have a limiting belief but refuse to think about it, do you still have a problem?”. The mind is an interesting muscle.  Once it assigns a meaning to a particular situation or event, it starts building additional thoughts and beliefs to justify that initial meaning.  For better or for worse.

Years ago, I had a limiting belief that I could not run;  it hurt my knees too much. I built a wall of beliefs around that belief to justify my not running.  Then one day I decided to challenge it by running two miles, walking a mile, and running one more.  I chose a new belief: “I can run three miles.”  In that moment, I refused to think my old limiting belief and replaced it with another one.  And, my mind responded like it always does; it started to look for new beliefs and thoughts to strengthen that new belief. I found a way to use my mind in a way that was to my advantage.  The new beliefs, strengthened with consistent running, changed my life.

The results speak for themselves: 15 half marathons, 13 marathons, one 40-mile trail race, 50-mile race and 100K trail race in the next 20 years. I found that, in the end, I changed something even deeper than a belief. I changed my core identity. I changed from being the “fat band kid” to being a “long distance endurance athlete” and “zen-runner.” Changing who you believe you are is the deepest change you can make. 

I encourage you to question your own thoughts when you think something limits you. Just because you think a thought, does not automatically mean that it is true.  Go and find a way to disprove it, even if it is in a small way.  Adopt a new belief and strengthen it with consistent actions.  

Let you mind weave new beliefs and thoughts around it to strengthen it, and over time, you will achieve more that you ever thought possible.  It will give you the strength and courage to truly change your life.  

Running two miles did not lead to “long distance endurance runner” overnight.  Initially, I never dreamed I would go out and complete a 100 kilometer race with total confidence in my ability to go the distance.  But once I challenged my initial limiting belief, it led me down many paths, many races, many spiritual moments, and a more fulfilling life. 

And as for the philosophical question of whether or not a falling tree makes a sound if nobody is there to hear it, the answer is “It doesn’t matter because you will be somewhere else, thinking about something else, and making your life be something better!”

To your continued success,

James