Life Coaching Tip: Stay Ignorant!!!

Sometimes, Ignorance is Bliss...


I heard a really interesting story the other day that you may find some value in when it comes to your personal development, attaining goals, and living life.


There was a man once who really wanted something in life. Driving down a country lane to get there, he accidentally took his eye off of the road and drove straight into the ditch. Fortunately, a local farmer was passed by thirty minutes later with a horse.

"Could your horse pull my car out of the ditch?" asked the driver.  

"Buddy's a Clydesdale," said the farmer, "let's see what he can do for you."  

The farmer hitched Buddy to the car and said: "Pull, Blackie, Pull!" Buddy didn't move an inch. 

Then the farmer said, "Pull, Sampson, Pull!" Buddy still didn't move an inch.

The farmer said again, "Pull, Jackson, Pull!" And still, Buddy didn't move an inch.

Then the farmer yelled, "PULL, BUDDY, PULL!!" And Buddy pulled the car effortlessly out of the ditch.

The grateful driver was confused.  "Let me ask you a question," he said, "why did you keep calling Buddy by the wrong name?" 

"Well," said the farmer, "you see, Buddy is blind. And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

When I sit down with people in a life or executive coaching session and we define a compelling future for them, one of the first thing that shows up is their desire to know exactly what to do in order to reach the goal. 


However, if someone really knew all of the problems, challenges, and emotional stress they were going to have to go through to achieve their goals...many would never even start!  If someone really knew, in advance, all of the challenges they would have to face to run their first marathon, get that next job, or find that dream spouse, they would be so overwhelmed they would probably never start. 


So, sometimes not knowing all of the obstacles and challenges that are going to happen in the pursuit of a goal makes the term, "ignorance is bliss" true.  Successful goal achievement comes from taking on the challenges one day at a time, asking for help when you get off track, and engaging faith to access your untapped potential in the face of adversity. And no matter what, keep pulling even when you can't see!  

The A.N.T.S Go Marching....

Our thoughts are just like ANTS. Those Automatic Negative ThoughtS (A.N.T.S.) are constantly on the move looking for something sweet to feed on. A person's brain is always thinking and creating new thoughts and beliefs, even while we sleep. 

Learning to direct our thoughts to those healthy food sources will lead to a more productive, fruitful, and positive mindset. Listen to my latest podcast to learn how to deal with the ANTS that may be invading your personal life!

http://evolutionforsuccess.podomatic.com/player/web/2011-06-13T21_40_43-07_00


Enjoy!

Are Ants invading your personal space???

Our thoughts are just like ANTS. Those Automatic Negative ThoughtS (A.N.T.S.) are constantly on the move looking for something sweet to feed on. A person's brain is always thinking and creating new thoughts and beliefs, even while we sleep.

 

Learning to direct our thoughts to those healthy food sources will lead to a more productive, fruitful, and positive mindset. Listen now to my latest podcast to learn how to deal with the ANTS that may be invading your personal space!

Until next time,

James

For Husbands only... if your wife stops talking, start worrying!

The topic of marriage and relationships consistently comes up in my coaching.  I particularly enjoy working with clients on those issues relating to relationships because although marriage can be a great source of emotional turmoil and pain, it can also be the greatest source of happiness and feeling of connectedness one can experience. Being able to spot the earliest signs of trouble can help us make a course correction before it's too late. 

There are predictable patterns that point in the direction of disaster, but often, we as men, mis-interpret the signals and assume our marriage is headed for fairer weather after a rough patch, instead of realizing we are headed for deadly waters.

One of those patterns looks like this:  A wife --not yours of course-- is dissatisfied with something. She's unhappy.  Something is not working for her in the relationship.  Maybe she's not feeling heard, supported, cherished, or understood.  And so, she talks.  And she talks.  She's communicating and expressing her frustration or unhappiness.  

Now if her partner is like most men, he's not enjoying this process at all.  She's emotional and sometimes volatile, and it's difficult to stay focused on the specific source of her unhappiness and not feel personally attacked.  So her partner shuts down.  He retreats in his proverbial cave.  He may do that by tuning her out, physically leaving, or listening and quickly returning his focus on a friendlier topic.  Of course, it does nothing to resolve the issue at hand, but let's face it, running for the hills until she's in a happier place can look very appealing at times!

If he continues to strive to avoid her emotionalism and consistently retreats to his cave until the coast is clear, his wife, feeling completely unheard,  will grow more and more frustrated and she's likely to continue expressing her unhappiness with more and more passion.  

Until she stops.  

On her side, this signals that the relationship is over.  Emotionally, she has given up and disengaged.  She's done.  

From his perspective, the relationship just took a turn for the better.   He misinterprets this silence to mean that everything is OK. The "nagging and complaining" has stopped and there is peace! She seems to be doing things to make herself happy and she has ceased to focus on what's not working in their marriage.  Life is good again.

He could not be farther from the truth! 

She's planning her exit strategy.  It may be quick or it make take years. But nevertheless she's lost all hope that this marriage is workable and she's preparing to walk.  She might be going back to school or work if she wasn't working outside the home previously or she might make career choices that will make the transition easier.  She might find another love interest or become open to the idea, or she might shift her focus to more fulfilling family relationships like her children until the time is right.  

When the day comes that she serves her husband divorce papers, he is shocked.  He thought things were great --maybe not great exactly, but good. This is coming out of the blue.  Often, this is the point where he becomes very motivated to address what was not working in the marriage and he's baffled to hear that she has no interest in repairing the marriage.  She left emotionally a long time ago.  She has worked through many of her feelings and although she may have more grieving to do, she's way beyond turning back.  

The irony here is that sometimes, this will be the trigger for him to change and adopt different behaviors and different beliefs.  And if he moves on to another marriage, he may have become the man his first wife had hope he would be, which can be a source of sadness or anger for his ex-wife --but that's another story.

The bottom line is that when it comes to marriage, silence is deadly, not golden.   As uncomfortable as addressing the issues affecting our marriages may be, repeatedly running for the hills is often the surest way to get her to run for the door. 

To your continued success,

James

Is your child or teen acting out? Let's talk about the 4 goals of misbehavior

You have seen them... the child screaming for attention in the store, the one that plays helpless, the one that talks back and "hates" his parents,  and the one who always get his or her way and rules the roost. What do they all have in common?  They are working to get love and connection from their parents.  No, it's not a typo; it might not make sense logically, but emotionally, it does.

All children, whether they are toddlers or high schoolers, have 2 primary needs: to be loved unconditionally and to belong.  If they feel discouraged and perceive they cannot belong in a useful way, they start acting up.  They actually want 1 of 4 things: they either want to get attention, power, revenge, or display inadequacy.

Let's look at these "goals of misbehavior", and what might be an effective strategy to coach your child toward more positive behavior.

GOAL # 1: Attention

All kids need attention and a large part of parenting is to give our kids attention.  But when your child mistakenly believes that the only way to belong is to have your attention --and will misbehave to get it-- it becomes problematic.  

You know when your child is misbehaving in an effort to get your attention if your reaction is to get annoyed or bothered.  Your natural response will be to coax, remind, nag or criticize.  Your child will usually respond by stopping the behavior temporarily and then starting it up again later for more attention. 

   Examples: 

• Actively seeking attention:  You are visiting with a friend when your 9 yr old daughter asks you to watch her do a cartwheel on the lawn.  You oblige happily, remark on her progress and go back to your discussion.  But a minute later, you're showered with another wave of "watch me Daddy, watch me!", quickly followed by "Watch me again!" and again, and again...  Her bid for attention might escalate until she falls and receives your complete attention.  With a teenager, you might find that your son does something that annoys you.  After you step in to correct the behavior, he may stop but before long, he moves on to another annoying behavior.
• Passively seeking attention:  Instead, your son might do nothing and simply expect to be waited on. 

   Solution: Encourage your child to join in  and be part of things in a positive way.  Ignore your child's obvious bid for attention and instead focus and draw attention to something else entirely.  At a different time, offer positive attention when he or she isn't trying to get it.  Catch him or her being good.

GOAL #2: Power

Part of growing more independent is to feel more in control. In and of itself, power is a positive goal.  It only becomes a problem if, as with attention, your child feels that the only way to connect is by having the power.  In the case of teens, it's a very common goal of course since they are often very focused on gaining autonomy.

Your clue to the fact that your child is trying to show power is that you will tend to respond by feeling angry or threatened. You might try to make him obey or you might give in. If you choose to fight and make him do what you want, he will fight back.  If you choose to give in, he'll stop acting out since he won and got what he wanted.  

   Examples: 

• Actively seeking power:  Your child may deliberately break your rules like going biking without a helmet, choosing friends he knows you are uncomfortable with, or refusing to come home when you ask.  
• Passively seeking power:  Sometimes, your child will comply with your request but do it slowly or sloppily hence communicating that although you can make him do what you want him to do, he can control how he does it. 

   Solution: Look for ways to give your child more choices.  Encourage your child to gain independence and be responsible.  Don't fight or give in, let consequences simply happen. 

GOAL #3: Revenge

If your child loses a power struggle and feels hurt, he may decide to get revenge. 

As a parent, you might feel shocked, hurt and angry.  You might react by trying to get even and in return, your child will try to get more revenge, continuing the cycle with no end in sight.

   Examples: 

• Actively seeking revenge:  Your child might say or do something hurtful. Teens might take risks with the whole goal of shocking or worrying you. 
• Passively seeking revenge:  Your child may choose to glare at you angrily. 

   Solution: Refuse to take things personally.  Refuse to get even. Don't enter in a cycle of escalating revenge. Focus on building trust and respect when everyone is calm.

GOAL #4: Display of inadequacy

Sometimes a child will try to connect with his parents by acting helpless in a particular area.  He or she perceives that the only way they will connect with you is by convincing you they are helpless. 

When your child's goals is truly to display inadequacy (as opposed to a plight to get your attention which will elicit an annoyed emotional response), he just wants to be excused from the task.  He wants you to stop expecting anything from him.  You are likely to feel like giving up too.  Although you may not voice it out loud, you might in fact think that your child is helpless in that area.  You might give up and do nothing.  If you do give up and agree to expect nothing from your child, his goal has been met but at a very high price.  

   Example:

• Your child may try to convince you he can't figure out homework, do a good job at their chores, or make friends. 

   Solution: Because a child who gives up is very discouraged, focus on progress and encourage any effort. Don't pity them and don't give up.  

Take a minute to determine what your child's misbehavior payoff is and change the way you react. You can help your child develop more positive beliefs and strategies about getting your love and connection.

To learn more about identifying and responding to your kids' behavior, pick up the book "STEP Parenting: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting" by Dinkmeyer. It is an extremely valuable resource and can make a huge difference.  Or call me! 

To your continued success,

James

The 3 Principles of Wealth

If you gave anyone three wishes, one of them would, for most people, be to have financial abundance and certainty to the point where "they would never have to worry about money again." 

If you want to have that level of financial certainty in life...there are only three fundamental financial principles you need to master.  Although they are frustratingly simple, they can be a challenge to put into practice.

• First and foremost, it's critical to understand that money is used to buy an emotional experience. In other words, the reason people are willing to buy something is for the emotional experience it provides them. That principle applies to the frappuccino at Starbucks as much as the laptop you purchased.
• The second law of income is that you will only have as much money as you can successfully manage. It is a fallacy to think that you once you have a certain amount of money, you will never have to worry about money again. The richest and most successful people are distinctly aware of how and where they spend their money. They understand their buying and spending habits, behaviors, and they watch the money come in and go out.  

If we have some fun combining number one and two, managing your money comes down to managing your emotional spending habits.  Before making a purchase, ask yourself what emotional experience am I trying to extract from it. Is that experience worth its cost?  Many times it is, but you might be surprised how many times, it's not.  

• The third law of income states that A-B=C. A is your assets (income you bring in each month) minus your "B," which is your bills (monthly expenses) which equals your "C," cash on hand.  Interestingly what gives you the feeling of financial safety or certainty is not your total net worth.  It's positive cash flow.  Your net worth is not likely to give you a feeling of financial safety if you have a negative cash flow month after month.  

If you ask most people who are struggling, which they would rather do, make more money or cut expenses in order to have more money, most will say, "Make more money." There is a fundamental challenge with this psychology. Your spending habits will always grow in proportion to your income! That is why rock stars, movie stars, and entertainers with millions go broke. 

So whether you take in $80 K or $500 K a year, it's what you clear that brings you that feeling of satisfaction.  If your cash outflow is greater than your cash inflow, you will continue to live with the feeling of scarcity, anxiety or stress.  You will continually yearn for more money without ever feeling truly secure.   

That's true no matter how much money you make whether it's in your personal life or your business.

To your continued success,

James

To Reach Your Goals, Sometimes the Trick is to Underachieve!

Easter weekend is almost always filled with sunshine here in Raleigh, NC. The warm Spring weather usually leads to planting a myriad of trees, bushes, and annuals. Keeping true to form, I spent most of Saturday creating a rose garden in the back of our home.

As I was working, I found myself enjoying the thoughts of running again. The gorgeous weather urged me to put on my running shoes again and hit the trail. After the last six months of training, it was nice to think of going for a nice leisurely jog for three or four miles with no specific outcome, just running for the sheer joy of running -- no expectations.

I so often talk about dreaming big, setting a huge goal, and taking massive action but sometimes, big goals lead to huge expectations, which can get the best of us. Huge expectations can often lead to being more overwhelmed or drained of energy than motivated and energized. 

When that happens, switch gears entirely and seek to underachieve! You read right: lower your aim. If you decided back in January to get in shape and lose twenty pounds but now you're spending more time telling yourself you have to get to the gym than you actually are, change your approach.

Decide to go walk or run 20 minutes each day. One of 2 things will happen: either after the successful small workout, you'll feel terrific and conclude this was doable. In which case, grabbing your running shoes tomorrow won't seem so daunting. Result: total success; you have stopped thinking about what you have to do and you're moving! Or, after 20 minutes, you will be so into it that you will continue running for another 5, 10, or even 20 more minutes. Imagine how pumped you'll feel then! All the extra time spent exercising is a total bonus because you have only committed to 20. No one is expecting you to do more. Everything you have done above that is for the pure joy of the experience and creates feelings of massive success.

Success has a momentum all its own and will build on itself, just like the expectations. Sometimes what you need to get you started (and get you out of procrastination mode) is setting a goal that's achievable right now. The initial outcome is not your ultimate goal, but sometimes to jump higher you need to lower the bar a bit. High jumpers don't go for their personal best without warming up first! Once you're in action and the adrenaline takes effect, you'll gain momentum and naturally move toward succeeding at your bigger goals. 

So maybe if I hit the trail, I'll only run 3 miles, for the sheer joy of feeling alive and vibrant. But in all likelihood, I'll keep going a bit longer. And if I don't, that's all right, I'll be out running again the next day because I can fit those miles in without pressure, and experience true feelings of success.

To your continued success,

James

Are you taking steps toward what you want?

When would you like to make your first million? When would you like to find and marry your soul mate? When would you like to drop those extra pounds so you look good this summer? When would you like to find a better sense of peace in your life? When would you like to get to that next promotion and pay raise at work?

If you are like most people, the answer to all of these questions is easy. I am sure you would like to have had it all yesterday! Maybe a person could settle for right now, but yesterday would probably have been better!

It is true that whatever you want, you can't have it yesterday. However, you can choose to take action towards those results right now. If you want that million dollars and pass on making that extra payment to pay off your debt, you are missing out on having that million dollars for now. If you fail to smile and just say hello to that attractive guy or gal at the grocery store, you might be missing out on your soul mate. If you don't leave just one more bite of food on your plate than you did yesterday, you are missing out on that great beach body. 

A person may say, "But James, that one extra payment, smile, and bite of food are not enough!" Says who? If you are not willing to manage your money and will waste an opportunity to take a step toward being debt free, how can you manage a million? If you are not willing to give more than you expect back in a relationship and pass on a smile that may make someone's day go from bad to great, how can you emotionally support your soul mate? If you can't pass on that one bite of food and eat 40 less calories at every meal (840 calories a week is almost 1/3 lb), then how will you be able to manage passing on all of the deserts when you are out with friends so you can feel fantastic on the beach?

Managing your life comes down to managing moments. If the small results are not enough for you to acknowledge and appreciate, you may never have the appreciation for attaining the end goal. We are the ones who make things bigger, harder, and more difficult than they need to be. Why not make feeling good about yourself and your actions be easy? How many more happy people would there be in the world. Life is only as difficult as you make it! 

The key to getting results NOW is to manage and appreciate the moments and the immediate actions you take right now in order to make a difference in your life.  

To  your continued success, 

James

Do You Have a Success Plan?

The gun went off at 6:00 am, Saturday morning, April 2, 2011. Twenty seven hours, 44 minutes and 34 seconds later, I crossed the finish line completing my first 100-mile Ultramarathon. What allowed me to succeed? Two things: a plan and my word!

It seems surreal even now. As I have gone over the event in my mind for the last few days, I think about the key factors that enabled me to reach my goal. It certainly was not all due to my training because in all reality, I trained harder and more consistently for the fifty mile race that I completed last year. It was not due to my superior health because I weigh a little more than I did last year at this time. So what was it? 

First, I got clear on what my outcome was.  I decided I wanted to complete the race in under 30 hours.  I did some research and I found a plan I could follow to do just that. Provided I ran the first 50 miles in less than 13 hrs, I could complete the race in twenty eight hours with two to spare for unexpected emergencies. I printed out the plan and put it in my race belt. It became my bible during the race. It broke down the lap times so that I had smaller goals to accomplish on the way to the bigger picture. I set small steps and overachieved each lap by about fifteen to twenty minutes. I used these minutes to take care of my body: changing shoes, shirts, and socks, using a full jar of Vaseline, and getting medical support. When I lost the map after the 6^th lap, I felt like I had lost my best friend (I later found it). The plan saved me from destruction. It allowed me to focus on the small consistent actions that made the difference between success and failure: filling the water bottle each station, eating at each aid station, taking my electrolyte caps each hour, and consistently checking my watch to measure my progress versus the plan. 

The second thing that kept me going was my word. I created a tremendous amount of leverage for myself to accomplish this goal. I told my friends, my family, my clients, and everyone on every social media network I am involved with, that I was going to do this! Most importantly, I told myself that I was going to give this everything that I had! I did not give myself an escape route anywhere. 

There were times I could have quit. Before starting lap seven (after 75 miles) the Red Cross Medic looked at my feet and told me there was nothing they could do for my feet since the pain did not come from an external blister but an internal separation of skin. If I wanted to continue, all I could do was to slap on some Vaseline and suck it up. There were also several times in lap eight when I actually stopped and told my pacer that I wanted to quit, period. I was done. And, even as I said the words out loud, doubled over in pain, I knew that I could not look at myself in the mirror when I got home if I didn't give it everything I had. And, unless I blacked out and they took me away in an ambulance, I could not stop. In those moments, I looked down deeper into myself than ever before, checked my handwritten plan, pulled myself together, and kept on going. 

It is ironic as I look back on my life, that 21 years ago, I could not run a mile.  It's clear that if a person wants to have a full life they are proud of, success takes work and effort. It took just as much work and effort emotionally 21 years ago for me to push myself to run 8 laps, walk 4, run 4 more; to tell myself that I could run three miles and then keep on doing it every other day for the next 6 months. The only difference between then and now is that I have conditioned myself to take on bigger goals. My first 10K seemed like an eternity.  The first marathon I signed up for I never ran, but I signed up again and the next year I ran my first ˝ marathon followed by my first full marathon.  The first 100-miler I signed up for I cancelled but the following year I ran 50 miles. This year, I learned everything I needed to learn to complete a 100-mile race and accomplished something that had enormous meaning for me.  The road to succ ess has not come in a straight line.  I've tried and "failed" at times, I have fallen on my face and come short on some of my goals.  Yet, I have gotten back up and tried again, and again set in the conviction that our past does not equal our future.  By having a plan for success, a system to follow, and by putting enough leverage on myself to accomplish my goal, I put all the chances for success on my side.

Whether you are reaching for a small goal or a big goal, whether it has to do with your personal life or your business, success will always take work. To achieve all that you want in life remember that having a good plan that you can rely upon and keeping your word --to yourself and others-- will always serve you well, even when all you want to do is quit!

To your continued success,

James 

I welcome your feedback!  What other topics would you like to see covered?

Subscribe to my Thought of The Week and receive my special report 

"5 Steps to Break Through Overwhelm"

Fear and Excitement Are Close Cousins

You will have to forgive me again for talking about running this week! This weekend is my big 100-mile race that you have all been reading about for the last six months, so bear with me one more time.  Well, perhaps I will give a recap on what I get from the race next week and then I am done talking about it, I promise!

Anyway, I as I was packing enough clothes and food for the entire crew of the USS Ronald Reagan aircraft carrier tonight, I am feeling a mixture of excitement, fear and anxiety. I always tell my clients, "If you are looking for financial planner, get one who is debt free and works because they choose to". Same for a coach, "Get one who says I am my own best client." 

I have been coaching myself hard tonight. On the eve of big life events, it is just like a ride on a roller coaster. There are only two main emotions on a roller coaster...fear and excitement. Picture the people on the ride...clenching onto the shoulder harness in fear and putting their hands up and screaming, "Bring it on!!!" at the top of their lungs.

What allows a person to let go of the shoulder harness of fear and scream with excitement is letting go of expectation and the "What if's...", along with having a little bit of faith and trust. Trust that the ride will end safely, faith that it will stay on the track, so you can enjoy the rush of adrenaline that each new exciting experience in life brings. 

Some fear and anxiety is healthy. It is what motivates me to remember to run upstairs and pack my rain jacket just in case. Being able to manage those emotions and put them to good use is critical. It allows you to feel prepared for the ride so you can let go, enjoy it free of expectation and trust that it will be a great ride. 

In the end, you will be living a life of events and rides that are thrilling. AND, you may find that you are addicted to the ride. So, I may have to go back on my word that this is the end of my writing about running for a while. After all, there is the Marine Corps Marathon in October with one of my Marine clients who will have just came back from a tour in Afghanistan (Stay safe brother!). And, I just planned for another possible marathon in France in 2013 with another fantastic friend. They serve wine at every water station and everyone dresses up! Life is full of such wonderful rides! 

Enjoy your life since you only have one. Live it fully doing what you love. Have a life full of wonderful tales to tell your grandkids as they sit on your knees! I hope you continue to ride the ride and remember that it is only a slight adjustment to go from fear and anxiety to excitement and fun. Enjoy the ride!

To your continued success,

Take Control of Your Life

My daughter was telling me that other day that it seemed an eternity going from 6 to 7 years old. For me on the other hand, the older I get the faster time flies by. As things move faster and faster in life, finding a balance between work, health, finances and career becomes harder and harder. It is easy to start feeling powerless and out of control.

It is easy to blame feeling out of control on the events and circumstances of life; the boss is too demanding and does not care, the kids’ activities after school are just too much, or stress from your relationship causes you to overeat and drink.  

There are always two ways to take back control of your life. 

The first is to shift your procedures and take control by changing the events and circumstances of life. A person can change jobs to get a new boss, sign the kids up for one less extracurricular activity next season, or join Weight Watchers and start counting points. These procedural changes we all know how to do, but still have a hard time implementing. Most people know what to do, they just don’t do it. 

Your second option?  Change your perception. “Changing perception” involves changing the way a person thinks.  All learning, change, and behavioral shifts happen at the unconscious level. 

Asking yourself better questions and adopting a different identity will help change your own perceptions of who you are and what you believe. The above examples of being stressed presuppose an identity that a person who can’t handle the stressors of life.  If they wanted to, one could choose to adopt different beliefs, such as, “The more energy I put out, the stronger I become”, “The busier I am, the more organized and the more efficient I become”,  “I thrive on life’s challenges: the faster life goes, the more momentum I have”, or “It is good to have a full life of opportunity.”

Implementing new procedures can change your life, and many times, that is precisely what is needed.  But sometimes, the solution lies in changing your perceptions of your identity and adopting a different internal beliefs system.  Those new beliefs are what will allow you to take control of your life!  

What is a more empowering identity and belief that you can adopt? Are there some areas of your life where you need to change your procedures?  Are there some areas of your life where you need to shift your perceptions? 

I look forward to hearing your response and comments! 

To your continued success,

Are You Doing What You Love?

Overnight, the death toll has risen from 800 to over 10,000 in Japan. I think of all these people who started that day like any other day.  They got up, fed the kids maybe, kissed their loved ones goodbye, and got in their car to go to work? 

Out of those 10,000 people who lost their life, I wonder how many people died doing something they loved? How many jumped out of bed that morning and lived that day like it was going to be their last? I know it is very cliche', but seriously, how many died that day doing something they totally loved?

Katherine Mansfield once wrote, " How can you hesitate? Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinion of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth."

My junior high band teacher, Mr. Bob Brown, died while out on a run. I have several other family members who have died doing what they loved or died coming back from doing something they loved. I am almost certain my Grandma Nora died with a crochet needle in her hand because other than playing Kings Corners with her, she was always crocheting another afghan for a loved one!

No matter when I die, I want to die doing something I love! I hope I die right at the end of a marathon, a great run, after telling my kids how proud of them I am, after a million dollar coaching call, watching a brilliant sunset or sunrise, or some other life event that is meaningful. I promised my wife I would live at lease one minute longer than her so she would never be widowed. No matter when it is, I want to go right after a moment that is larger than life.

The challenge is to live life as consistently as possible in the pursuit of everything that is meaningful to you. Horrendous tragedies like what many in Japan are experiencing remind us that you never know what will happen when you walk out the door in the morning. But you always have control of how you say goodbye to your loved ones before you leave, what you do during the day, and how you help others along the way!

Regardless of when that is, end on a high note doing what you love, and make sure you always make others aware of their worth. Tell the important people in your life how much you love them. The only comfort they will have when you are gone is to know that you loved them and that you died doing what you love and living a life of love!  Choose to make each day count! 

My day is looking pretty exciting all of a sudden! How about yours?

To your continued success,

James

Emotional Success

Emotions vs. Logic

Well, it finally happened. As I was walking my daughter to school the other day, she became very disappointed because in a moment of fear, she realized we had left part of her first grade project at home. I could not pass up the opportunity to console my little one, so I scooped her up in my arms, held her tight and told her how much I understood her disappointment. 

By the time we got to the school, she was begging me to put her down since other kids were looking. I had to put her down because she is not a toddler anymore, and carrying her is not as easy as it once was. The parent behind me must have noticed my pain because their comment hit me like a ton of bricks, “You won’t be able to do that for much longer.”

It was a very true statement; my baby girl is growing up fast. Change is always interesting; we resist it and fight it often.  Mr. Spock from Star Trek stated, “If change is inevitable, predictable and beneficial…doesn’t logic demand that you be part of it?”  Yes, logically I suppose it does.

However, we are much more emotional than logical beings! Deep down, I want to be the loving, protective daddy who scoops up his baby girl in her moment of distress and makes all of her pain go away with my hugs and kisses! 

The bottom line is that everything we do in life is guided more by emotions than logic. There are positive and negative emotions. Positive emotions we want more of, and negative emotions less of. The true way to have all you want in life is to make it your purpose to meet others’ emotional needs; not logically but emotionally, through experiences, shared moments of happiness, love and joy. 

In these challenging times, the people who will shine are the people who make the greatest emotional difference for the world. Remember the words of Gandhi, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Live the emotional states that you want to see in the world. People will be drawn to you like bees to honey. To change around a quote from one of my most important mentors, Zig Ziglar, “You can get everything you want in life, if you just help enough people get emotionally what they want from life.” If you still don’t know what you want emotionally from life, let me give you a clue: everyone wants love, peace, happiness, prosperity, and everyone wants to know they are helping others to achieve the same!

Business Coaching Tip

"Being average means you are as close to the bottom as you are to the top." ~John Wooden

If you are not working everyday to give a little more, be a little bit better, put in a little extra effort, and learn a little bit more, you will always be average. Think of your competition, the only way to get ahead of them is to stay on the field just a little bit longer in practice, show up just a little bit earlier, or put that extra special touch in all that you do. A small bit of extra effort today grows, compounds and mulitplies over the weeks, months and years. You only have to be just a little bit better than your competition everyday to be successful. As 5:00pm on Friday rolls around, what can you do to be a little bit better than your competition and rise above average?

Do You Need to Stretch?

The Boring Life of an Office Supply 

If you are like me, you may be scared to open the desk drawer that holds all of your office supplies. All of those jumbled up rubber bands, paperclips, staples, thumb tacks, and the pad of sticky notes that has become torn apart and has desk lint stuck to the back. If you were one of these poor mixed up office supplies, what a boring life you would lead. They just sit there all day in a jumbled up mess, ignored and waiting to be used. 

Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt all jumbled up and confused? Have you felt bored, ignored by others and waiting for something to happen? Have you felt you were living but not really fulfilling your life’s purpose?

There is a solution. Rubber bands need to be stretched in order to hold things together that would otherwise fall apart. Paperclips need tension put on them to hold important papers together that have innovative thoughts, stories and ideas on them. Staples need to separate from the group and be bent in new ways to link thoughts and ideas together long term. Thumb tacks need to be focused and pushed into a specific area to keep things in the line of sight and visible to others. The sticky notes need to be written on with ideas, moments of brilliance and reminders of what is important in life. 

Office supplies take on an exciting life when they are used for their intended purpose. The only thing keeping office supplies from having a life of meaning and fulfillment is that they are dependent on others to use them. 

Thank goodness that we, as humans, are not dependent on others in order to be stretched and used for a purpose! What a gift it is to be able to choose the purpose of our life and how we stretch, put tension on ourselves, and use the gifts we inherently have! 

It is up to you to choose a meaning and purpose for your life today. Let that purpose guide you to make a difference by uniting people or ideas together for a common cause.  Put some tension on yourself, separate from the pack, bend yourself and stretch in a new way, and write down your important thoughts and ideas for later reference. Take action to get yourself out of the drawer and do what you were meant to do. Be free from living the Boring Life of an Office Supply. 

To your continued Success,

James

919.792.0085 

www.evolutionforsuccess.com 

Follow James on Facebook!

To subscribe to The Thought of The Week, 

click here: http://MyOptIn-003.com/?pid=6238070

Be a better lover!

Want to be a better lover? Want your partner to love you in a way that really matters to you? 

Gary Chapman has a great book called, “The 5 Love Languages.” The premise of the book is that we all experience Love in five general ways or “languages”. 

I have converted the 5 Love Languages into a simple acronym easy to remember: The 5 “T’s.” We can love people through:

• Time: as in spending time with our loved one.  It could be just being in the presence of the other person or doing something fun together.
• Touch: as in being physically affectionate; whether it be in a sexual way or not. It could be a kiss or a simple hand on someone’s back. 
• Tell:  as in telling your loved ones verbally how much they mean to you.  You might text, send a card, leave a voice message for instance. 

• Buy Things:  as in buying any type of gifts.  It’s important to note that it is the act of thinking about the person, finding the right gift, and trying to make your loved one happy that is the act of love that matters here, not the actual gift itself. 
• Do Things: as in doing something that will make your loved one’s life easier or more pleasant.  It could be making an extra cup of coffee, running to the store of your own accord because you notice something is needed, or going to an event that you might not have an interest in, but that matters to your loved one.  

Although we may feel loved when we experience any one of those “languages”, most of us have a couple of preferred languages. Instinctively, we tend to love others in our language instead of theirs.  

Have you ever been baffled to find your loved one unmoved by your loving words or your affectionate touch because he or she is annoyed at the fact that you haven’t brought the trash in?  This miscommunication can happen in any type of relationship; with your kids, with your spouse, with your parents.  Imagine: you come back from vacation with a gift for son which you thought  was the perfect gift for him, he looks at you and gives you a polite smile but you can tell he’s unmoved and proceeds to ask you to sit and watch him play his latest video game.  You’re tired and anxious to unpack so you put it off for later and he runs off to play.  He never felt loved by you getting him the shirt, and you felt more guilty than loved by his wanting to spend time with you. Sounds vaguely familiar?

While we all understand intellectually that each language is an expression of love, we truly feel loved when that love is expressed in our own dominant language. 

So, how do you tell what your Lover’s Love Language is? Simple. Ask the question: “When have you known you were loved the most?”  Ask a couple of times and get a couple of different examples. The answers will tell you what speaks their Language the loudest. 

I asked my son that question when he was six and he responded, “When we snuggle and cuddle on the couch watching movies.”  He is a Time and Touch” person. Just that simple. Knowing that, we switched from candy in his Easter basket, to coupons for extra reading time together, movies, or guy night.  My daughter on the other hand, can pass on the Touch, but feels genuinely touched when I take the time to think of her while I’m away and get her a trinket.  And she herself spends ours making “gifts” for the rest of the family. As for my wife, I can skip the flowers without worry, and drive the kids to school instead, or fill up her car up with gas. She’s clearly a “Do” person.

And as far as you being loved in your love language, simply tell your loved one what makes you feel most loved.  And when he or she loves you in that language, respond and reaffirm the love in theirs. By reciprocating, you will be communicating in a way that deepens your relationship.

On Valentine’s Day, find out each other’s love language!  Not only you will learn something, but it might just put the spark back in your love life!  Give it a try! 

To your continued success, 

James 

919.792.0085

www.evolutionforsuccess.com

www.evolutionforsuccess.blogspot.com 

To subcribe to The Thought of the week, 

click here: http://MyOptIn-003.com/?pid=6238070