How to save a drowning rat

Would you be interested in knowing "HOW" to save a drowning rat?

There has not been much positive news for the past couple of years. The media seems intent on presenting everything noteworthy that is the opposite of empowering or positive.  ...unemployment, foreclosures, budget cuts; it's all around us.  Even putting the media aside, when we look at our personal lives, at our neighbors, family or friends, it's clear that for many this is a stressful time.

By now, you probably want to quit reading this and get back to the news - after all, it is more cheery than my Thought of the Week! My mood is becoming depressed just writing about this!!!  However, I have a suggestion that may help us all cope with the negativity. And how does this relate to saving a drowning rat, you ask? 

There was an experiment conducted where scientists put a single rat in a container it could not get out of, and then filled it with water. They placed the container in a completely dark room, and timed how long the rat swam before it drowned. How long do you think it swam? Well, it lasted a little more than 3 minutes. 

For the second part of the experiment, they placed a rat in the same container, in the same room, with the same water level, but this time they had a bright beam of light shine into the darkness for the rat to see. Guess how long the rat lasted before it finally drowned? This time, it swam for over 36 hours.

When I was in US Army Airborne School, the Army Chaplain said a prayer with us before we loaded up for our first parachute jump. He stated that we had nothing to worry about, as the jump field we were about to fly over was the most holy place in Georgia. According to the chaplain, more people prayed flying over that small piece of land than anywhere else in the state!!!  He encouraged us to add our little part to the holiness of the jump field site.

In life, if someone wants the identity of being an honest person, they have to experience a moment where the opportunity to steal is present and choose not to. If you want to be a person who is able to find new opportunities as we work through the changes in our world right now, you are going to be tested. We are all being tested, NOW.

It is hope, faith, and optimism that keep us from giving up when things seem hopeless; that keep us believing in opportunity and the promise for a better tomorrow. That is what brings us through dark times when we feel like we are swimming for our very survival. That is what makes the difference between making it 3 minutes or 36 hours, 3 days or 36 days, 36 weeks or the next 36 years. A person of faith is such because they have been tested and have overcome. That is what gives you the courage to jump into a new experience, be a person of character, and keep swimming when everything around you seems dark.

There are always two things we can focus on: the darkness or the light.  We have a choice. What is the beam of light that gives you hope, faith, and optimism? Now is the time, more than ever, to feed your mind positive messages, to do whatever you can that will strengthen your sense of faith and hope for a better tomorrow. 

I know you can last a lot longer than you think. Keep Swimming.

Are Ants invading your personal space???

Our thoughts are just like ANTS. Those Automatic Negative ThoughtS (A.N.T.S.) are constantly on the move looking for something sweet to feed on. A person's brain is always thinking and creating new thoughts and beliefs, even while we sleep.

 

Learning to direct our thoughts to those healthy food sources will lead to a more productive, fruitful, and positive mindset. Listen now to my latest podcast to learn how to deal with the ANTS that may be invading your personal space!

Until next time,

James

Is your child or teen acting out? Let's talk about the 4 goals of misbehavior

You have seen them... the child screaming for attention in the store, the one that plays helpless, the one that talks back and "hates" his parents,  and the one who always get his or her way and rules the roost. What do they all have in common?  They are working to get love and connection from their parents.  No, it's not a typo; it might not make sense logically, but emotionally, it does.

All children, whether they are toddlers or high schoolers, have 2 primary needs: to be loved unconditionally and to belong.  If they feel discouraged and perceive they cannot belong in a useful way, they start acting up.  They actually want 1 of 4 things: they either want to get attention, power, revenge, or display inadequacy.

Let's look at these "goals of misbehavior", and what might be an effective strategy to coach your child toward more positive behavior.

GOAL # 1: Attention

All kids need attention and a large part of parenting is to give our kids attention.  But when your child mistakenly believes that the only way to belong is to have your attention --and will misbehave to get it-- it becomes problematic.  

You know when your child is misbehaving in an effort to get your attention if your reaction is to get annoyed or bothered.  Your natural response will be to coax, remind, nag or criticize.  Your child will usually respond by stopping the behavior temporarily and then starting it up again later for more attention. 

   Examples: 

• Actively seeking attention:  You are visiting with a friend when your 9 yr old daughter asks you to watch her do a cartwheel on the lawn.  You oblige happily, remark on her progress and go back to your discussion.  But a minute later, you're showered with another wave of "watch me Daddy, watch me!", quickly followed by "Watch me again!" and again, and again...  Her bid for attention might escalate until she falls and receives your complete attention.  With a teenager, you might find that your son does something that annoys you.  After you step in to correct the behavior, he may stop but before long, he moves on to another annoying behavior.
• Passively seeking attention:  Instead, your son might do nothing and simply expect to be waited on. 

   Solution: Encourage your child to join in  and be part of things in a positive way.  Ignore your child's obvious bid for attention and instead focus and draw attention to something else entirely.  At a different time, offer positive attention when he or she isn't trying to get it.  Catch him or her being good.

GOAL #2: Power

Part of growing more independent is to feel more in control. In and of itself, power is a positive goal.  It only becomes a problem if, as with attention, your child feels that the only way to connect is by having the power.  In the case of teens, it's a very common goal of course since they are often very focused on gaining autonomy.

Your clue to the fact that your child is trying to show power is that you will tend to respond by feeling angry or threatened. You might try to make him obey or you might give in. If you choose to fight and make him do what you want, he will fight back.  If you choose to give in, he'll stop acting out since he won and got what he wanted.  

   Examples: 

• Actively seeking power:  Your child may deliberately break your rules like going biking without a helmet, choosing friends he knows you are uncomfortable with, or refusing to come home when you ask.  
• Passively seeking power:  Sometimes, your child will comply with your request but do it slowly or sloppily hence communicating that although you can make him do what you want him to do, he can control how he does it. 

   Solution: Look for ways to give your child more choices.  Encourage your child to gain independence and be responsible.  Don't fight or give in, let consequences simply happen. 

GOAL #3: Revenge

If your child loses a power struggle and feels hurt, he may decide to get revenge. 

As a parent, you might feel shocked, hurt and angry.  You might react by trying to get even and in return, your child will try to get more revenge, continuing the cycle with no end in sight.

   Examples: 

• Actively seeking revenge:  Your child might say or do something hurtful. Teens might take risks with the whole goal of shocking or worrying you. 
• Passively seeking revenge:  Your child may choose to glare at you angrily. 

   Solution: Refuse to take things personally.  Refuse to get even. Don't enter in a cycle of escalating revenge. Focus on building trust and respect when everyone is calm.

GOAL #4: Display of inadequacy

Sometimes a child will try to connect with his parents by acting helpless in a particular area.  He or she perceives that the only way they will connect with you is by convincing you they are helpless. 

When your child's goals is truly to display inadequacy (as opposed to a plight to get your attention which will elicit an annoyed emotional response), he just wants to be excused from the task.  He wants you to stop expecting anything from him.  You are likely to feel like giving up too.  Although you may not voice it out loud, you might in fact think that your child is helpless in that area.  You might give up and do nothing.  If you do give up and agree to expect nothing from your child, his goal has been met but at a very high price.  

   Example:

• Your child may try to convince you he can't figure out homework, do a good job at their chores, or make friends. 

   Solution: Because a child who gives up is very discouraged, focus on progress and encourage any effort. Don't pity them and don't give up.  

Take a minute to determine what your child's misbehavior payoff is and change the way you react. You can help your child develop more positive beliefs and strategies about getting your love and connection.

To learn more about identifying and responding to your kids' behavior, pick up the book "STEP Parenting: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting" by Dinkmeyer. It is an extremely valuable resource and can make a huge difference.  Or call me! 

To your continued success,

James

Take Control of Your Life

My daughter was telling me that other day that it seemed an eternity going from 6 to 7 years old. For me on the other hand, the older I get the faster time flies by. As things move faster and faster in life, finding a balance between work, health, finances and career becomes harder and harder. It is easy to start feeling powerless and out of control.

It is easy to blame feeling out of control on the events and circumstances of life; the boss is too demanding and does not care, the kids’ activities after school are just too much, or stress from your relationship causes you to overeat and drink.  

There are always two ways to take back control of your life. 

The first is to shift your procedures and take control by changing the events and circumstances of life. A person can change jobs to get a new boss, sign the kids up for one less extracurricular activity next season, or join Weight Watchers and start counting points. These procedural changes we all know how to do, but still have a hard time implementing. Most people know what to do, they just don’t do it. 

Your second option?  Change your perception. “Changing perception” involves changing the way a person thinks.  All learning, change, and behavioral shifts happen at the unconscious level. 

Asking yourself better questions and adopting a different identity will help change your own perceptions of who you are and what you believe. The above examples of being stressed presuppose an identity that a person who can’t handle the stressors of life.  If they wanted to, one could choose to adopt different beliefs, such as, “The more energy I put out, the stronger I become”, “The busier I am, the more organized and the more efficient I become”,  “I thrive on life’s challenges: the faster life goes, the more momentum I have”, or “It is good to have a full life of opportunity.”

Implementing new procedures can change your life, and many times, that is precisely what is needed.  But sometimes, the solution lies in changing your perceptions of your identity and adopting a different internal beliefs system.  Those new beliefs are what will allow you to take control of your life!  

What is a more empowering identity and belief that you can adopt? Are there some areas of your life where you need to change your procedures?  Are there some areas of your life where you need to shift your perceptions? 

I look forward to hearing your response and comments! 

To your continued success,