You DO NOT have to let fear limit the way you live your life!

No matter what your phobia is, and regardless of how long you have been inconvenienced by it, 

your phobia can be cured!

You do not have to let fear limit the way you live your life.  

NLP has been proven to be one of the most effective ways to remove a phobia.  In fact, clearing phobias is what NLP was made famous for!

Whether you are dealing with a fear of flying, a fear of spiders or snakes, or claustrophobia, you know better than anyone how much these fears not only negatively impact your life but often also impact the lives of the ones you love.  

It doesn't have to be that way!  You can be free of those limitations.  In 2 (pain free) sessions you can live life fully and on your own terms!

What is a phobia?

A phobia is an intense irrational fear. The root cause of the phobia can usually be traced back to an emotionally charged event when a biological response became associated at an unconscious level with a particular trigger or stimulus.  When re-presented with the trigger, such as being in a closed in space for instance, the associated response is triggered, most commonly resulting in extreme feelings of anxiety, fear and panic.

How can we remove a phobia?

Using Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), any phobia can be eliminated quickly and easily without medication and without the painful process deconditioning. There is no side effect and the results are immediate since NLP addresses the source of the phobia and not the symptoms.

The process consists of 2 sessions.  Sessions can be conducted in person if you live in the Raleigh area or over the phone, and last 45 minutes.  

From now until the 4th of July --just in time for the fireworks--, I would like to offer you, your family and your friends a special pricing of $225 for both sessions!  

Call today to get started and

Experience the freedom of life without fears or phobias!

919-745-7569

For Husbands only... if your wife stops talking, start worrying!

The topic of marriage and relationships consistently comes up in my coaching.  I particularly enjoy working with clients on those issues relating to relationships because although marriage can be a great source of emotional turmoil and pain, it can also be the greatest source of happiness and feeling of connectedness one can experience. Being able to spot the earliest signs of trouble can help us make a course correction before it's too late. 

There are predictable patterns that point in the direction of disaster, but often, we as men, mis-interpret the signals and assume our marriage is headed for fairer weather after a rough patch, instead of realizing we are headed for deadly waters.

One of those patterns looks like this:  A wife --not yours of course-- is dissatisfied with something. She's unhappy.  Something is not working for her in the relationship.  Maybe she's not feeling heard, supported, cherished, or understood.  And so, she talks.  And she talks.  She's communicating and expressing her frustration or unhappiness.  

Now if her partner is like most men, he's not enjoying this process at all.  She's emotional and sometimes volatile, and it's difficult to stay focused on the specific source of her unhappiness and not feel personally attacked.  So her partner shuts down.  He retreats in his proverbial cave.  He may do that by tuning her out, physically leaving, or listening and quickly returning his focus on a friendlier topic.  Of course, it does nothing to resolve the issue at hand, but let's face it, running for the hills until she's in a happier place can look very appealing at times!

If he continues to strive to avoid her emotionalism and consistently retreats to his cave until the coast is clear, his wife, feeling completely unheard,  will grow more and more frustrated and she's likely to continue expressing her unhappiness with more and more passion.  

Until she stops.  

On her side, this signals that the relationship is over.  Emotionally, she has given up and disengaged.  She's done.  

From his perspective, the relationship just took a turn for the better.   He misinterprets this silence to mean that everything is OK. The "nagging and complaining" has stopped and there is peace! She seems to be doing things to make herself happy and she has ceased to focus on what's not working in their marriage.  Life is good again.

He could not be farther from the truth! 

She's planning her exit strategy.  It may be quick or it make take years. But nevertheless she's lost all hope that this marriage is workable and she's preparing to walk.  She might be going back to school or work if she wasn't working outside the home previously or she might make career choices that will make the transition easier.  She might find another love interest or become open to the idea, or she might shift her focus to more fulfilling family relationships like her children until the time is right.  

When the day comes that she serves her husband divorce papers, he is shocked.  He thought things were great --maybe not great exactly, but good. This is coming out of the blue.  Often, this is the point where he becomes very motivated to address what was not working in the marriage and he's baffled to hear that she has no interest in repairing the marriage.  She left emotionally a long time ago.  She has worked through many of her feelings and although she may have more grieving to do, she's way beyond turning back.  

The irony here is that sometimes, this will be the trigger for him to change and adopt different behaviors and different beliefs.  And if he moves on to another marriage, he may have become the man his first wife had hope he would be, which can be a source of sadness or anger for his ex-wife --but that's another story.

The bottom line is that when it comes to marriage, silence is deadly, not golden.   As uncomfortable as addressing the issues affecting our marriages may be, repeatedly running for the hills is often the surest way to get her to run for the door. 

To your continued success,

James

Is your child or teen acting out? Let's talk about the 4 goals of misbehavior

You have seen them... the child screaming for attention in the store, the one that plays helpless, the one that talks back and "hates" his parents,  and the one who always get his or her way and rules the roost. What do they all have in common?  They are working to get love and connection from their parents.  No, it's not a typo; it might not make sense logically, but emotionally, it does.

All children, whether they are toddlers or high schoolers, have 2 primary needs: to be loved unconditionally and to belong.  If they feel discouraged and perceive they cannot belong in a useful way, they start acting up.  They actually want 1 of 4 things: they either want to get attention, power, revenge, or display inadequacy.

Let's look at these "goals of misbehavior", and what might be an effective strategy to coach your child toward more positive behavior.

GOAL # 1: Attention

All kids need attention and a large part of parenting is to give our kids attention.  But when your child mistakenly believes that the only way to belong is to have your attention --and will misbehave to get it-- it becomes problematic.  

You know when your child is misbehaving in an effort to get your attention if your reaction is to get annoyed or bothered.  Your natural response will be to coax, remind, nag or criticize.  Your child will usually respond by stopping the behavior temporarily and then starting it up again later for more attention. 

   Examples: 

• Actively seeking attention:  You are visiting with a friend when your 9 yr old daughter asks you to watch her do a cartwheel on the lawn.  You oblige happily, remark on her progress and go back to your discussion.  But a minute later, you're showered with another wave of "watch me Daddy, watch me!", quickly followed by "Watch me again!" and again, and again...  Her bid for attention might escalate until she falls and receives your complete attention.  With a teenager, you might find that your son does something that annoys you.  After you step in to correct the behavior, he may stop but before long, he moves on to another annoying behavior.
• Passively seeking attention:  Instead, your son might do nothing and simply expect to be waited on. 

   Solution: Encourage your child to join in  and be part of things in a positive way.  Ignore your child's obvious bid for attention and instead focus and draw attention to something else entirely.  At a different time, offer positive attention when he or she isn't trying to get it.  Catch him or her being good.

GOAL #2: Power

Part of growing more independent is to feel more in control. In and of itself, power is a positive goal.  It only becomes a problem if, as with attention, your child feels that the only way to connect is by having the power.  In the case of teens, it's a very common goal of course since they are often very focused on gaining autonomy.

Your clue to the fact that your child is trying to show power is that you will tend to respond by feeling angry or threatened. You might try to make him obey or you might give in. If you choose to fight and make him do what you want, he will fight back.  If you choose to give in, he'll stop acting out since he won and got what he wanted.  

   Examples: 

• Actively seeking power:  Your child may deliberately break your rules like going biking without a helmet, choosing friends he knows you are uncomfortable with, or refusing to come home when you ask.  
• Passively seeking power:  Sometimes, your child will comply with your request but do it slowly or sloppily hence communicating that although you can make him do what you want him to do, he can control how he does it. 

   Solution: Look for ways to give your child more choices.  Encourage your child to gain independence and be responsible.  Don't fight or give in, let consequences simply happen. 

GOAL #3: Revenge

If your child loses a power struggle and feels hurt, he may decide to get revenge. 

As a parent, you might feel shocked, hurt and angry.  You might react by trying to get even and in return, your child will try to get more revenge, continuing the cycle with no end in sight.

   Examples: 

• Actively seeking revenge:  Your child might say or do something hurtful. Teens might take risks with the whole goal of shocking or worrying you. 
• Passively seeking revenge:  Your child may choose to glare at you angrily. 

   Solution: Refuse to take things personally.  Refuse to get even. Don't enter in a cycle of escalating revenge. Focus on building trust and respect when everyone is calm.

GOAL #4: Display of inadequacy

Sometimes a child will try to connect with his parents by acting helpless in a particular area.  He or she perceives that the only way they will connect with you is by convincing you they are helpless. 

When your child's goals is truly to display inadequacy (as opposed to a plight to get your attention which will elicit an annoyed emotional response), he just wants to be excused from the task.  He wants you to stop expecting anything from him.  You are likely to feel like giving up too.  Although you may not voice it out loud, you might in fact think that your child is helpless in that area.  You might give up and do nothing.  If you do give up and agree to expect nothing from your child, his goal has been met but at a very high price.  

   Example:

• Your child may try to convince you he can't figure out homework, do a good job at their chores, or make friends. 

   Solution: Because a child who gives up is very discouraged, focus on progress and encourage any effort. Don't pity them and don't give up.  

Take a minute to determine what your child's misbehavior payoff is and change the way you react. You can help your child develop more positive beliefs and strategies about getting your love and connection.

To learn more about identifying and responding to your kids' behavior, pick up the book "STEP Parenting: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting" by Dinkmeyer. It is an extremely valuable resource and can make a huge difference.  Or call me! 

To your continued success,

James

Are you taking steps toward what you want?

When would you like to make your first million? When would you like to find and marry your soul mate? When would you like to drop those extra pounds so you look good this summer? When would you like to find a better sense of peace in your life? When would you like to get to that next promotion and pay raise at work?

If you are like most people, the answer to all of these questions is easy. I am sure you would like to have had it all yesterday! Maybe a person could settle for right now, but yesterday would probably have been better!

It is true that whatever you want, you can't have it yesterday. However, you can choose to take action towards those results right now. If you want that million dollars and pass on making that extra payment to pay off your debt, you are missing out on having that million dollars for now. If you fail to smile and just say hello to that attractive guy or gal at the grocery store, you might be missing out on your soul mate. If you don't leave just one more bite of food on your plate than you did yesterday, you are missing out on that great beach body. 

A person may say, "But James, that one extra payment, smile, and bite of food are not enough!" Says who? If you are not willing to manage your money and will waste an opportunity to take a step toward being debt free, how can you manage a million? If you are not willing to give more than you expect back in a relationship and pass on a smile that may make someone's day go from bad to great, how can you emotionally support your soul mate? If you can't pass on that one bite of food and eat 40 less calories at every meal (840 calories a week is almost 1/3 lb), then how will you be able to manage passing on all of the deserts when you are out with friends so you can feel fantastic on the beach?

Managing your life comes down to managing moments. If the small results are not enough for you to acknowledge and appreciate, you may never have the appreciation for attaining the end goal. We are the ones who make things bigger, harder, and more difficult than they need to be. Why not make feeling good about yourself and your actions be easy? How many more happy people would there be in the world. Life is only as difficult as you make it! 

The key to getting results NOW is to manage and appreciate the moments and the immediate actions you take right now in order to make a difference in your life.  

To  your continued success, 

James

Do You Need to Stretch?

The Boring Life of an Office Supply 

If you are like me, you may be scared to open the desk drawer that holds all of your office supplies. All of those jumbled up rubber bands, paperclips, staples, thumb tacks, and the pad of sticky notes that has become torn apart and has desk lint stuck to the back. If you were one of these poor mixed up office supplies, what a boring life you would lead. They just sit there all day in a jumbled up mess, ignored and waiting to be used. 

Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt all jumbled up and confused? Have you felt bored, ignored by others and waiting for something to happen? Have you felt you were living but not really fulfilling your life’s purpose?

There is a solution. Rubber bands need to be stretched in order to hold things together that would otherwise fall apart. Paperclips need tension put on them to hold important papers together that have innovative thoughts, stories and ideas on them. Staples need to separate from the group and be bent in new ways to link thoughts and ideas together long term. Thumb tacks need to be focused and pushed into a specific area to keep things in the line of sight and visible to others. The sticky notes need to be written on with ideas, moments of brilliance and reminders of what is important in life. 

Office supplies take on an exciting life when they are used for their intended purpose. The only thing keeping office supplies from having a life of meaning and fulfillment is that they are dependent on others to use them. 

Thank goodness that we, as humans, are not dependent on others in order to be stretched and used for a purpose! What a gift it is to be able to choose the purpose of our life and how we stretch, put tension on ourselves, and use the gifts we inherently have! 

It is up to you to choose a meaning and purpose for your life today. Let that purpose guide you to make a difference by uniting people or ideas together for a common cause.  Put some tension on yourself, separate from the pack, bend yourself and stretch in a new way, and write down your important thoughts and ideas for later reference. Take action to get yourself out of the drawer and do what you were meant to do. Be free from living the Boring Life of an Office Supply. 

To your continued Success,

James

919.792.0085 

www.evolutionforsuccess.com 

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Challenge your limiting beliefs

If a tree falls in the woods…

You have heard the question “If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound?”.  Well, I have another question for you: “If you have a limiting belief but refuse to think about it, do you still have a problem?”. The mind is an interesting muscle.  Once it assigns a meaning to a particular situation or event, it starts building additional thoughts and beliefs to justify that initial meaning.  For better or for worse.

Years ago, I had a limiting belief that I could not run;  it hurt my knees too much. I built a wall of beliefs around that belief to justify my not running.  Then one day I decided to challenge it by running two miles, walking a mile, and running one more.  I chose a new belief: “I can run three miles.”  In that moment, I refused to think my old limiting belief and replaced it with another one.  And, my mind responded like it always does; it started to look for new beliefs and thoughts to strengthen that new belief. I found a way to use my mind in a way that was to my advantage.  The new beliefs, strengthened with consistent running, changed my life.

The results speak for themselves: 15 half marathons, 13 marathons, one 40-mile trail race, 50-mile race and 100K trail race in the next 20 years. I found that, in the end, I changed something even deeper than a belief. I changed my core identity. I changed from being the “fat band kid” to being a “long distance endurance athlete” and “zen-runner.” Changing who you believe you are is the deepest change you can make. 

I encourage you to question your own thoughts when you think something limits you. Just because you think a thought, does not automatically mean that it is true.  Go and find a way to disprove it, even if it is in a small way.  Adopt a new belief and strengthen it with consistent actions.  

Let you mind weave new beliefs and thoughts around it to strengthen it, and over time, you will achieve more that you ever thought possible.  It will give you the strength and courage to truly change your life.  

Running two miles did not lead to “long distance endurance runner” overnight.  Initially, I never dreamed I would go out and complete a 100 kilometer race with total confidence in my ability to go the distance.  But once I challenged my initial limiting belief, it led me down many paths, many races, many spiritual moments, and a more fulfilling life. 

And as for the philosophical question of whether or not a falling tree makes a sound if nobody is there to hear it, the answer is “It doesn’t matter because you will be somewhere else, thinking about something else, and making your life be something better!”

To your continued success,

James

Is Your Message Not Getting Through?

Effective communication is one of the most challenging issues for anyone working in a team such as a business or organization.  With so many different personality types working together, trying to tailor your communication strategy to each one can be daunting.

The Compliment Sandwich method is a classic and effective tool that we often forget to use.  It is one of the easiest and most effective ways to communicate anything to any personality style.  The conversation will feel genuine and flow smoothly provided that the positive feedback/compliments are genuine and related to your concern(s), and that you do not overuse that technique so that your words don’t seem contrived.

The idea is to start with some positive feedback (the bread), followed by the issue you need to address (the meat of your message), and finish with another compliment or positive feedback (the second piece of bread).  The part that is most overlooked however is the verbiage you use in between the compliments and the main message itself.  Stay away from words like “but”, “although”, or “however”.  The immediate response to those words is defensiveness.  They directly void any positive feedback —however sincere— you started with.

Let’s say that you are having an issue with a team member spending an increasing amount of time at work on personal matters.  You might approach the person this way: 

“John,  We love having you as a part of this team.  Your idea at yesterday’s sales meeting was right on point! AND in fact it’s clear that you have a real impact on our corporate culture in the office; a lot of the junior associates take their cues from you.

So it’s crucial that you limit the time you spend on personal matters whether it be on the phone or online to the times when you are officially on break.  

I know how committed you have been to this organization and I appreciate all your work especially for this last project.  It made a difference."

Now, let’s add one more concept into the process. There are three different types of postures you can adopt when communicating with someone: authoritative, participative, or subordinate. An authoritative posture is always direct and to the point: “it’s crucial that you do xyz”.  Your main message —the meat of the sandwich— is ALWAYS authoritative so the corrective action is clear and concise. The positive feedbacks or compliments —the bread— are  ALWAYS participative: “We love you being part of the team”.  You are not posturing down or up, you are simply delivering a genuine compliment as one person to another.

We always have a choice on how we

To your continued success,

James