Pull out the Fix-It Hammer Second, not First!
How many times has something been broken, and when our first solution for fixing the problem doesn’t work we result to brute force? This rarely works, and usually produces results that are the exact opposite of what we are trying to accomplish. But, in that moment, losing ourselves to the frustration feels great! I personally am always tempted to reach for my hammer when dealing with problems that arise with my computer! You’re probably found yourself in a similar situation on more than one occasion.
However, when it comes to handling issues in our relationships this communication model just does not work! You’ve heard it before - men tend to jump straight to problem solving mode. When something is broken we jump right in and want to fix the problem. Women, however, want and need to be understood first. No wonder conflicts in communication occur given the different needs of men and women.
Emotional states are not rational. They are not supposed to make sense. Every emotional state that a woman or man has is “perfect.” It reminds me of the Tom Cruise movie, “The Last Samurai.” At one point Tom Cruise’s character is standing in a garden with his captor and they are discussing philosophy. His captor says, “Men spend their whole life trying to find the perfect cherry blossom.” At the end of the movie Tom Cruise has befriended his captor and in the last moments before his captor dies, they flash to pictures of a cherry tree and its blossoms, and his captor states, “They are all perfect.”
Validation of an emotional state builds understanding; it is not what is said but what is felt that is the building block of communications. Regardless of who you’re communicating with (be it male or female), your communication will be enhanced by remembering my first guideline in communications with anyone - “Validation of the other person’s emotional states always precedes resolution and problem solving.”
In almost any communication where there is disagreement, it is because one person is searching for solution and another for validation. Or, many times the argument arises because neither person feels they are being validated by the other. Validation from both parties always needs to come before the solution if you want to have truly fulfilling relationships.
Let me give an example: For two weeks George comes home directly from work and is on time for dinner. After two weeks of being on time, during the third week he is late one night. He comes in the front door, to be greeted by his wife Mary, who says something like, “Why are you always late and never home on time? Why can’t I trust you to do what you say you are going to do?”
Some people in George’s position might jump straight to “solution mode” and respond without validation – “What do you mean, I have been on time for the last two weeks and I’m late just this one time and I get all of this flack! What do you mean you can’t trust me? Next time I will call before I leave work so you know when I will be home. How is that? OK?” I think we can all agree that’s not likely to calm Mary’s state of mind!
However, if George responds by putting himself in Mary’s shoes, remembering that her feelings are driving the situation, and responds by validating them, would he get a better response if he answered with this – “Wow Mary, I can see that the kids are loud and whining, you must have had a long day doing laundry, cleaning the house, helping the kids with their homework, getting groceries, and not having any time just for you. On top of that you put all of this work into a great dinner for us and you have been waiting for me and I am late. Then after dinner there is still a ton of work left to do, washing the dinner dishes, putting the kids down, and then you only get an hour or two before bed and this all starts again tomorrow morning. You must have had a really crazy day. I know how tough it is when I have the kids for just a couple of hours, I don’t know how you do it! You need a raise! I love you and I’m sorry you had such a long day.”
Then George can fulfill his need to find a solution – Mary is now feeling that George understands her frustration, and is now open to hearing any of George’s solutions:
• “I promise next time I will call when I am going to be late.”
• “Let’s get a babysitter on Friday and have a night out just the two of us.”
• “How about if I take the kids for a few hours on the weekend and you go shopping or out with friends?”
• “You deserve a break, why don’t I set up a massage or manicure appointment for you this weekend?”
• “Let’s just order take-out tomorrow so you have a night off from cooking?”
What would that do to enhance the communication within George and Mary’s relationship? Could this example help you improve communications with the people in your life?
This brings us to an important aspect of this philosophy – you do not need to agree with the other person’s beliefs/emotions, tell them they are right or wrong, or violate your own personal beliefs in order to validate someone else’s feelings and perspective. Validation can occur even if you don’t accept their way of thinking or believe it makes sense. George may believe that Mary may be overreacting, but that doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate and acknowledge what has contributed to her emotional state. A person needs to just look a level deeper for understanding. You can still validate each other’s position, agree to disagree on a subject, and still keep the love and respect between each other.
Next time, reach for validation first, then search for a solution second. You will be astounded at the positive shift that will occur in your relationships with others.
If you need some help and understanding in the areas of validation and solutions in your relationships, CALL NOW! If you commit to three months of Accelerated Coaching (4 sessions per month for 3 months) you get your fourth month of coaching free! That is a 25% savings! I guarantee you will feel differently about your life and make incredible changes!
The greatest compliment you can give is a referral. Please pass this on to anyone you know who may need some help and support in these uncertain economic times. We have a great referral bonus waiting just for you.
Call NOW! (303) 681-3555
7/21/08
Zipping Along...
Zipping along in Life…
This weekend was a wonderful life experience. We went Treetop Soaring up near Durango, CO. Soaring, also called Zip Lining, is a wonderful experience. You get hooked up in a climbing harness, clipped onto a long stainless steel cable, and then slide from one tree to another. The height above and distance between the trees, and the speeds that you reach varies throughout the course.
At about the third tree, the Soaring guide clipped me in and asked me, “Is this exciting and intense, or what?” I was shocked by me response, “It is nice and wonderful to be here with my family, but I have done a lot of things in my life like this and it is not adrenaline pumping or anything. After all, I have gone skydiving, been through the US Army Airborne School, rappelled out of helicopters in the Air Assault School, gone rock climbing, jumped off of a telephone pole and done a 50 foot Fire walk with Tony Robbins.” The guy just kind of looked at me with a blank look on his face and said, “Oh.”
As I zipped from one tree to the next, for some reason my response bothered me. I work very hard to not live my life on past experiences, yet here I was handing out my resume of “To-Do’s” in my life. It was not from a significance standpoint either. Up to that point, I truly did not think it was that emotionally intense of an experience.
I started to look at what was behind my list of adrenaline filled activities response. Then it hit me. There was still a little part of me that thought, “It has to be big and intense if it is going to mean something all.” And, I thought that I had gotten rid of that one. Darn!
Most people in life want that Lotto win experience. That one BIG thing that will change life forever, make us more, lead to a tremendous breakthrough in life. However, most people never win the lottery, waiting for that is poor psychology. The way to true emotional wealth is to accumulate riches in the manner of investing your 10% every paycheck. People who invest 10% over the life of their working careers often are farther ahead at retirement than people who wait for “the Big One” to come in and then invest it in one lump sum. The majority of people who play the lottery never win.
Wouldn’t it be a much more fulfilling life if we celebrated at every paycheck? Over the course of 45 years if you celebrated your wealth at every paycheck, (assuming 26 paychecks per year) that would mean that you would get to celebrate 1,170 times versus that one lottery win. Which one leads to greater overall emotional health and success?
So, from then on, I reframed and experienced every single zip line one at a time, appreciated the uniqueness of each one, sharing each one with my wife and son, and the people that I was participating with. Life does not have to be big and grand to be meaningful. That was a lesson that eluded me in my younger years. Now, I just appreciate both experiences. When you add celebrating life daily over and over and combine it with the lottery experiences of life the world takes on an even brighter look.
By the way, I did experience Murphy’s Law and ate my words on the next zip line section. It was on one of the smallest segments of the zip line course called Aspen alley that I got the adrenaline rush that was my lottery win. Ironically, it was not on the 1,400 foot zip line that was the grand finale of the day. I love the irony of life.
There is so much to celebrate in your life today! Even with the down market, financial woes, physical aches and pains, so much of life is still a blessing and gift. I challenge you to find those gems in your life today, collect and polish them, and share them with others. It may not seem like much today but over time their meaning and intensity will grow exponentially and you will have led a rich life. Celebrate the special moments of today because today is the day you won the lottery.
To your continued success,
James
Please pass this message on to anyone who may need to find a little something to celebrate in their life today. If you are having trouble celebrating, Call Now
(303) 681-3555
When you sign up for 3-months of Accelerated Coaching (4 sessions per month for 3 months) get your 4th month FREE. That is a 25% savings valued at $320. If you want to be successful at anything in life you need to immerse yourself. You will experience results in this dynamic 120 day period or your money back. Offer good until July 31st, 2008.
This weekend was a wonderful life experience. We went Treetop Soaring up near Durango, CO. Soaring, also called Zip Lining, is a wonderful experience. You get hooked up in a climbing harness, clipped onto a long stainless steel cable, and then slide from one tree to another. The height above and distance between the trees, and the speeds that you reach varies throughout the course.
At about the third tree, the Soaring guide clipped me in and asked me, “Is this exciting and intense, or what?” I was shocked by me response, “It is nice and wonderful to be here with my family, but I have done a lot of things in my life like this and it is not adrenaline pumping or anything. After all, I have gone skydiving, been through the US Army Airborne School, rappelled out of helicopters in the Air Assault School, gone rock climbing, jumped off of a telephone pole and done a 50 foot Fire walk with Tony Robbins.” The guy just kind of looked at me with a blank look on his face and said, “Oh.”
As I zipped from one tree to the next, for some reason my response bothered me. I work very hard to not live my life on past experiences, yet here I was handing out my resume of “To-Do’s” in my life. It was not from a significance standpoint either. Up to that point, I truly did not think it was that emotionally intense of an experience.
I started to look at what was behind my list of adrenaline filled activities response. Then it hit me. There was still a little part of me that thought, “It has to be big and intense if it is going to mean something all.” And, I thought that I had gotten rid of that one. Darn!
Most people in life want that Lotto win experience. That one BIG thing that will change life forever, make us more, lead to a tremendous breakthrough in life. However, most people never win the lottery, waiting for that is poor psychology. The way to true emotional wealth is to accumulate riches in the manner of investing your 10% every paycheck. People who invest 10% over the life of their working careers often are farther ahead at retirement than people who wait for “the Big One” to come in and then invest it in one lump sum. The majority of people who play the lottery never win.
Wouldn’t it be a much more fulfilling life if we celebrated at every paycheck? Over the course of 45 years if you celebrated your wealth at every paycheck, (assuming 26 paychecks per year) that would mean that you would get to celebrate 1,170 times versus that one lottery win. Which one leads to greater overall emotional health and success?
So, from then on, I reframed and experienced every single zip line one at a time, appreciated the uniqueness of each one, sharing each one with my wife and son, and the people that I was participating with. Life does not have to be big and grand to be meaningful. That was a lesson that eluded me in my younger years. Now, I just appreciate both experiences. When you add celebrating life daily over and over and combine it with the lottery experiences of life the world takes on an even brighter look.
By the way, I did experience Murphy’s Law and ate my words on the next zip line section. It was on one of the smallest segments of the zip line course called Aspen alley that I got the adrenaline rush that was my lottery win. Ironically, it was not on the 1,400 foot zip line that was the grand finale of the day. I love the irony of life.
There is so much to celebrate in your life today! Even with the down market, financial woes, physical aches and pains, so much of life is still a blessing and gift. I challenge you to find those gems in your life today, collect and polish them, and share them with others. It may not seem like much today but over time their meaning and intensity will grow exponentially and you will have led a rich life. Celebrate the special moments of today because today is the day you won the lottery.
To your continued success,
James
Please pass this message on to anyone who may need to find a little something to celebrate in their life today. If you are having trouble celebrating, Call Now
(303) 681-3555
When you sign up for 3-months of Accelerated Coaching (4 sessions per month for 3 months) get your 4th month FREE. That is a 25% savings valued at $320. If you want to be successful at anything in life you need to immerse yourself. You will experience results in this dynamic 120 day period or your money back. Offer good until July 31st, 2008.
What is DOPHOF?
What is D.O.P.H.O.F?
I recently had the pleasure of getting reacquainted with an old rock climbing buddy whom I had not seen in about 8 years. From the moment he walked up to my front door it seemed like only 8 minutes since I saw him last. We greeted each other with the same emotional intensity and friendship.
We covered the ground floor topics of the good old times rock climbing, the happenings of mutual acquaintances, the height of our travel experiences and then as the night wore on we dove beneath the surface and shared some of our personal history. It was the deep stuff we shared about our past, emotional healing, and how those events were shaping our lives and futures today.
I really felt for my friend as he shared the pain of his past and was excited beyond measure for the peace and happiness he is experiencing now. Hearing about the depth of some of his pain and the height of his peace now in life, the acronym D.O.P.H.O.F. came into my mind.
When we are committed to face the Depth Of Pain we feel in life and overcome it, the emotional Height of Our Future will always be greater. The foundation is always the first part of the building that is worked on. Without a solid foundation any building will fall. The Empire State Building foundation goes down 55 feet. However, that foundation supports a magnificent building that rises to 1,454 feet.
The same is true of every human being. We are all magnificent buildings reaching for the sky. Just like the New York Skyline, each of us is just a part of a bigger beautiful world. Remember to stop and take a look at is what is below the surface with yourself and others. Help others to keep on believing in themselves, heal past hurts, learn to forgive and love more. Always work to be aware of what is below ground, face that emotional intensity and the unresolved emotional issues from your past. I know the pain can be intense at times, however, the pleasure you receive from working through an issue will allow you to build a life higher than you ever imagined and you will have the foundation to hold it in place. You will continue to be an inspiration to others and share something special with those other buildings around you.
I recently had the pleasure of getting reacquainted with an old rock climbing buddy whom I had not seen in about 8 years. From the moment he walked up to my front door it seemed like only 8 minutes since I saw him last. We greeted each other with the same emotional intensity and friendship.
We covered the ground floor topics of the good old times rock climbing, the happenings of mutual acquaintances, the height of our travel experiences and then as the night wore on we dove beneath the surface and shared some of our personal history. It was the deep stuff we shared about our past, emotional healing, and how those events were shaping our lives and futures today.
I really felt for my friend as he shared the pain of his past and was excited beyond measure for the peace and happiness he is experiencing now. Hearing about the depth of some of his pain and the height of his peace now in life, the acronym D.O.P.H.O.F. came into my mind.
When we are committed to face the Depth Of Pain we feel in life and overcome it, the emotional Height of Our Future will always be greater. The foundation is always the first part of the building that is worked on. Without a solid foundation any building will fall. The Empire State Building foundation goes down 55 feet. However, that foundation supports a magnificent building that rises to 1,454 feet.
The same is true of every human being. We are all magnificent buildings reaching for the sky. Just like the New York Skyline, each of us is just a part of a bigger beautiful world. Remember to stop and take a look at is what is below the surface with yourself and others. Help others to keep on believing in themselves, heal past hurts, learn to forgive and love more. Always work to be aware of what is below ground, face that emotional intensity and the unresolved emotional issues from your past. I know the pain can be intense at times, however, the pleasure you receive from working through an issue will allow you to build a life higher than you ever imagined and you will have the foundation to hold it in place. You will continue to be an inspiration to others and share something special with those other buildings around you.
7/8/08
Safety in Communication
Hallelujah ~ Praise the Lord!
Have you heard the one about the priest who trained his horse to “stop” by saying "Hallelujah", and “go” by saying "Praise the lord?" He went riding one day and a snake spooked his horse. The horse became terrified and took off at a full gallop. The horse was so frightened that it didn’t realize it was headed straight for the edge of a cliff. As the priest yelled, “Whoah, Jesus, Stop” and a few other choice sayings to no avail, the horse just kept charging straight for the edge of the cliff. Suddenly, the priest remembered the command for “Stop” and yelled, “Hallelujah” at the top of his lungs. Miraculously, the horse stopped just in time to keep from plunging to certain death. Relieved, the priest exclaimed, “Praise the Lord!”
How often do we forget how important positive, productive, communication is to any relationship? It can lead a relationship to certain death or raise it to the highest levels of emotional passion. I have a saying, “In the absence of communication and knowledge, the mind has free reign to wander.” It is dangerous for the mind to wander because it is in that place that people start to ASS-U-ME things. And we all know that assuming makes an “ASS” out of “U” and “ME.”
Why don’t people communicate more? I think it is a lack of safety. In the parent child relationship how often is the child encouraged to be expressive, to challenge an opinion, to share their different thoughts and emotions? As a kid, were you encouraged in that manner?
How can we provide more safety in our communications with others? How can we create an easy, warm, loving environment where speaking and communicating are encouraged?
My solution is to keep one simple component in mind. No matter how the communication is happening, whether you agree, disagree, yell, scream, talk silently, write it out on paper; never have the love go away.
How can we communicate and never have the love go away? Here are some tips:
1. Address the behavior and not the person. That person is not selfish, instead you have interpreted their actions to be selfish. The person is not their behavior.
2. Understand that the other perspective is just as valid as yours and try it on for size. Walk a mile in their shoes with their beliefs and understand where they are coming from. Be empathetic.
3. Agree to disagree if necessary and have it all be OK.
4. When you both disagree, find a win-win that is a compromise on both sidets. Never seek absolutes because then it becomes a power struggle.
5. Create a safe environment and rules for communicating if necessary. Create a talking stick, like in the Native American cultures, have a pair of safety chairs, and never threaten the other person during a conversation.
6. Pick your battles carefully. Don’t lose the war over a battle in the moment.
7. Stay focused on the real outcome you want to achieve. How many times at the end of an argument you find yourself forgetting what started the whole thing to begin with? Stay on track.
8. The solution/compromise will not be found until both parties feel understood, validated, and their opinions are respected. Solutions come second, understanding feelings, beliefs and perspectives come first.
9. Say it the way you want it to be.
Communication leaves a person in one of two places: it leaves us feeling closer or leaves us feeling farther apart. Malcolm Forbes once stated, “It is always worthwhile to let others know of their worth.”
You don’t have to always have to agree with another person in order to find their value. I hope that you can continue to increase your levels of communication to a point where the other person always leaves knowing that even if you have disagreed, the love is always present.
To your continued success,
James
Have you heard the one about the priest who trained his horse to “stop” by saying "Hallelujah", and “go” by saying "Praise the lord?" He went riding one day and a snake spooked his horse. The horse became terrified and took off at a full gallop. The horse was so frightened that it didn’t realize it was headed straight for the edge of a cliff. As the priest yelled, “Whoah, Jesus, Stop” and a few other choice sayings to no avail, the horse just kept charging straight for the edge of the cliff. Suddenly, the priest remembered the command for “Stop” and yelled, “Hallelujah” at the top of his lungs. Miraculously, the horse stopped just in time to keep from plunging to certain death. Relieved, the priest exclaimed, “Praise the Lord!”
How often do we forget how important positive, productive, communication is to any relationship? It can lead a relationship to certain death or raise it to the highest levels of emotional passion. I have a saying, “In the absence of communication and knowledge, the mind has free reign to wander.” It is dangerous for the mind to wander because it is in that place that people start to ASS-U-ME things. And we all know that assuming makes an “ASS” out of “U” and “ME.”
Why don’t people communicate more? I think it is a lack of safety. In the parent child relationship how often is the child encouraged to be expressive, to challenge an opinion, to share their different thoughts and emotions? As a kid, were you encouraged in that manner?
How can we provide more safety in our communications with others? How can we create an easy, warm, loving environment where speaking and communicating are encouraged?
My solution is to keep one simple component in mind. No matter how the communication is happening, whether you agree, disagree, yell, scream, talk silently, write it out on paper; never have the love go away.
How can we communicate and never have the love go away? Here are some tips:
1. Address the behavior and not the person. That person is not selfish, instead you have interpreted their actions to be selfish. The person is not their behavior.
2. Understand that the other perspective is just as valid as yours and try it on for size. Walk a mile in their shoes with their beliefs and understand where they are coming from. Be empathetic.
3. Agree to disagree if necessary and have it all be OK.
4. When you both disagree, find a win-win that is a compromise on both sidets. Never seek absolutes because then it becomes a power struggle.
5. Create a safe environment and rules for communicating if necessary. Create a talking stick, like in the Native American cultures, have a pair of safety chairs, and never threaten the other person during a conversation.
6. Pick your battles carefully. Don’t lose the war over a battle in the moment.
7. Stay focused on the real outcome you want to achieve. How many times at the end of an argument you find yourself forgetting what started the whole thing to begin with? Stay on track.
8. The solution/compromise will not be found until both parties feel understood, validated, and their opinions are respected. Solutions come second, understanding feelings, beliefs and perspectives come first.
9. Say it the way you want it to be.
Communication leaves a person in one of two places: it leaves us feeling closer or leaves us feeling farther apart. Malcolm Forbes once stated, “It is always worthwhile to let others know of their worth.”
You don’t have to always have to agree with another person in order to find their value. I hope that you can continue to increase your levels of communication to a point where the other person always leaves knowing that even if you have disagreed, the love is always present.
To your continued success,
James
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